K

i have an apartment with kristy dellach.  holy shit.  that's funny.  
we are going to have good times and that i am sure of.  
it was quite the impulse move.... but i couldn't seem to make anything else change in my life... my job and such so i figured i would MAKE CHANGE!

i hope this pushes me to get up and out.  ugh.  seriously, i think of what i used to be and what a fuckin' slob i am.  i have done such a 180. i know some changes have been for the good.  i know it feels good not to be controlled.  but i feel real real real lost.  like i've just given up.  like all that encouragement from friends and family means nothing.  no wonder people have kids... they start to hate their own lives so intend to live vicariously through their little ones.  great.  nathan doesn't want kids.  i dunno, i think the only reason i would want them is because everyone else would have them and bring them along. and pass around photos.   i think my insides are mush anyway.  doesn't seem like anything could be in working condition when  i started having regular periods at age 22.  yeah, that can't be right. 

eh, i really need to get out of mongo. i took all of next week off. for no reason.  i have been super tense and constantly upset.  and i have no conrol over what i say to people... it's tourettes.... if i think you are lazy and useless i am going to tell you.  i can't filter what i say!!!!   what gets me is that i think i have to hold on to something there.  like mongo is really goin to get me somewhere in life.  there are certain people i hate working with too.  my skin crawls.  i've just stopped being nice. i'm not faking shit anymore.  i am sick of people telling me what's rite and wrong. that's what is so nice about this moving bit.... nobody gave me any input.  i just did it.  

phew.  nice

and i said today to my manager "Kristy is good for me because she makes me feel normal because we are both so strange."

here is to good friends and good times.  

i am picking up mimi on weds!!!! ahhhhh!

so the plans are to go back to school.  for some photo classes.  not necessarily a degree but just to get back to doing something i enjoy.

funny i want to go into something that i get so much negativity about.  nobody really understands my photography. they take it too literal.  for god sake's get out of your comfort zone... look outside the box.
oh well, if i love it that's all that matters.  
and there are people that appreciate some of my photos.  maybe some are too deep.  maybe there's too much nudity.  maybe the black and white gets over done.  maybe you don't like photos of things.  maybe you like photos of people.  dead? or alive? does it matter in a photo?

number 2 in my plans...move out with kristy.  man....that will be fun.  kristy makes me feel normal.  too many of these yuppies make me feel like i am a complete idiot.  and that's real hard... having to play it like i'm normal.  fuck normal.

i  had a great time with my cousins tonight.  they make me feel normal too. i laughed my ass off.  i can't fathom my life without so many family members.  but i feel stupid at the same time.  everyone seems to be headed in some sort of direction, a bit established.  i am strangely jealous of janelle and jason.... buying a house, planning a wedding, getting married.  it's cute.  it's sweet when you see people in love.

i guess i want that ya know... to share such a deep bond and understanding with one other person.  that's huge.  "no one else is in my tree"   i am i see why i am the way i am.  all of my family is very goal-oriented, plan ahead, reach for the stars type people.  and i of course am the disappointment.... the "she had so much potential girl"  and my life is certainly not over.  and i know it's all going to come to me.  i'm going to take a glance at my life and it's all going to come my way.  

i just need to stop spending my money on other people.  its my hard earned money...  i also need to stop feeling bad about who i am and my emotions...
i am just done.  what wasted energy relationships can be.  just a lot of pain.  more and more pain. but ya know everything i say is true as far as me coming a long way.  man, the whirlwind of emotions jared and i went through.  it was just two fucked up people not meant to be.  but i can't help but dwell on some of it.  remembering what a burden i seemed to be. and what i would had given to be the girl i am now back then in that relationship.  i mean i was going through a very psycho time in my life.  and that's just too much to make someone else go through.  he was helpless bc i was helpless.  

oh i feel ill.
i work  3 doubles in a row.  

i feel sad rite now.
it's prolly my heart popping out of chest.
rest.
rest.

it was a bad dream...
and even worse when i realized i wasn't waking up.

work was awful.  at one point i literally had 17 different people asking me for something.  the most irritating thing are people shouting my name when i'm talking to another table.  YOU ARE NOT MY ONLY FUCKING TABLE AND IT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT YOUR TURN.

you wonder sometimes if the money is really worth it.  i try, i really do try to stop and say "ok, you'll get through this....breathe in through the nose...out through the mouth....but HOW do you want to get through this?" that's kind of what i need to ask myself right now in life.  ok, i will get through this mad job-hunt and feeling lonely and worthless and incompetent and fat and useless and ugly time in my life... I WILL... but how do i want to get through it?  I could either A. stress the fuck out about not having a job, to the point i bitch out family and friends, break up with the last man whom will ever love me.... or B. relax and know that it will all come together.

i chose A.
i dont know any other way in life than to stress out.

and everytime i talk to my sisters, i am reminded why i am the way i am.
i am talking to cheryl on the phone yesterday and she is crying because edison is being a little terror.... and he won't go to bed.  and i'm laughing at her, "HE IS ONE... you have 17 more years of ups and downs so you better get a grip on this..."

not having kids. 
not gonna do it.
although they make me smile. man, kids.  if i could trust that my husband could support me and my baby, i would gladly have one, get a nanny and go to the gym 7 days a week and fantasize about how i want to get it on with my personal trainer. 

hmmm.
i'm so hurt right now.  i close my eyes when i am around you and i try to think about what it was like when we were together. i keep forgetting it's not there anywhere.  sometimes i just want you to put your lips on my forehead in the middle of work.  smile.  tell me to call you after work. maybe even grab my ass. 

i don't think you understand, though, all of this.  i wasn't entertained.  i need someone to pick me off my feet and say "this is where we are going, this is what we are doing."  i need someone to throw concert tickets at my face.....  i need you to plan a long weekend. i need you to show me your favorite place.  to take me for ice cream and stop having me make the decisions.  is that awful?  is it horrible that everything else clicked, physically and emotionally but that i was bored? i kept having visions of the part of the movie in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, where they are eating dinner, silent, having nothing to say, and jim carreys voice over talks about at what point of your relationship are you in when you get to that "silent -hate-your-wife-restaurant-goer"
yuck. 
i hate everything right now. 

i had fun last night... dancing.  just dancing. with my girls and all.  

and it's things like that i would enjoy more often.  but you don't do things.  there's a big world out there.... i want to explore it.  i want to share it with someone. and i'm not incapable of it... i just need someone up for the challenge. 

i am sorry i'm bitter. 
maybe it's the period. 
maybe i was born this way.

my gosh Audra Kubat has such a lovely voice.
i've always wanted to be lovely.
you know, the type of person you look at and think "my they are lovely"
i'm sure someone thinks that of me.
i'm sure i've stabbed them in the heart once or twice
or twice and again and never realized how lovely i was to them.
lovely
how lovely
what a lovely word lovely is


off to vegas.  i've promised myself one thing...and one thing only: TO CLEAR MY MIND
out comes the cobwebs and the messy emotions and hopeful to come back to a clear mind.

i heart you. 
i heart your innocence.  but it's high time i grow up.

i can't seem to distinguish happiness from sadness from just wanting to run my way.





i'm frontin' like i'm powerful.
but there's still a lot of pain.
just ignore it
like everything else

k...this will be as scattered as my dreams just were....


they were just fragments.... 
nothing specific.  
about nothing specific.

-I am hanging out with adam on what seems to be a pirate ship.  Liz from work is there too.  And I am eating and he finishes eating and says "i am hungry"  so i take him to get some of the hummus and fatoosh that I had been eating and i go "help yourself".... and he digs into everything, real frantically, he's sweating, he pulls off his glasses and somewhere in this poors water al over him and is sticking his hair straight up.  In the meantime this "killer duck" comes by us... Liz yells "The duck! the duck!"  And I start running from the duck.... sprinting, because its got this huge beak that looks like it could eat me alive.... 

-I go into work, but its not mongolian bbq it's research federal.  the walls are right, everything is bright and white.  i notice everyone is wearing red and white like it were valentine's day.  Mark Vansaw works there... he is wearing pink (like i said it's a dream...) I say hello to him.  "WHY THE HELL IS EVERYONE WEARING RED AND WHITE?!?!"   and ppl laugh at me... "it's still valentine's season..."

-we are about to have some family meeting.  my sisters, dad, mom and i.  i had to put on mascara.... so my dad put on mascara too.  at the meeting I am drinking some soda and am looking for the cap to my pen. it was in my soda.  i threw the cap at my sister.

-I am driving with my cousin/godmother Jan.  I am telling her how awful I feel because everyone is getting married... or at least dating someone I marry.  And I am just diddle daddling around.  And I didn't care that I was single.  I was just sick of everyone else wanting the whole "white surburbia, working mommy, hate my husband" lifestyle....

Weird.
That's what imagination does to you. 

weird

bottled up for over 10 years.
finally relief.
that was good.
that felt good.
hate feels good when u confront it.

going back to school sounds amazing. mmm....the taste of photography.  

do what u love
what u
love
love 
love
don't let anything stand 
in the
way
way 
way

i want to get this job.  i'd feel more secure.  i'd move out in an instant.  i'd buy a camera.  i'd photograph everything that only the imagination can see.  i'd stop writing dreams... and writing down reality.  i'd never get married.  and i'd never love again.  and i'd end up being just as happy as those fake photos of having fun.  

my happiness has yet to exist.

"what is love, where did it get me? whoever thought of love is no friend of mine." -Dar Williams

that's how i feel right now

i can't stand how much difficulty i have with relationships.  i whole heartedly wanted this to work.  you've no clue.  



Ode To This Time Around
i did the math
the calculations 
i put the past
present 
future together
and got us
and yet fear took over
all those memories
this is nothing new
just a cycle
just repeating history
bout time i be
defeating history
wouldn't you say?
-kc